This is originally a comment on labingi’s essay:

http://labingi.livejournal.com/128431.html

“The sex doesn't fix everything. Indeed, by the second or third time, Naoe is already uncomfortably aware of not being content with this; it's not giving him Takaya in the way he'd (perhaps) hoped it might.”
 

Now this is revealing the crux of what’s been bothering me in Naotakatora ship for ages.

The fact that despite all those years of desiring Takatora, after that (rather mindless) catharsis of  20/6, the sex feels utterly unsatisfactory for  Naoe. As if he’s reached yet another standing point, where he has no earthly means to get enough of Takatora once again.

But if you are a kanshousha, is it really any wonder, that this sort of satisfaction, reached mainly by the bodily perception, kind of loses its magic?

In fact, I think it would be more realistic, if sensei made their views even more alienated from our common understanding of these problems. The traditional (Buddhist or Christian) dualism of body and soul would in their case deepened to the point, where it’s not even a dualism anymore and the identification lies merely in the spiritual level of the self. While it is indisputably essential to their everyday existence (they need body to do their exorcising job and without it they are vulnerable), the physical sphere is inevitably less significant to what constitutes an individual.

I believe accepting this condition might even help us understand, if not pardon, the violence in their intercourses, as it could indicate their frustration at (though perhaps still uncounsious) realizing the impossibility of more permanent, or thorough connection, even through the most intimate mean currently at their disposal.

For here, of all cases, the skin is indeed in the way. But…of what?

On the note of said violence, I think that it is not only Naoe constantly pressing on Takaya. The latter is not at all as passive as it looks. They are both equally intensive, or aggressive, though in different roles. It is just that Takaya mostly keeps silent about his desires, unlike Naoe, who can pull out his elegies at any time.

And I maintain my view of Takaya not being a masochist, as he’s been called. The same way I don’t consider my position masochistic, when I accept and counter my opponent’s attack. Semeru-ukeru, that’s just the way the game is played. Taka is not a victim here, he more or less understands Naoe’s purpose and willingly puts up with his moves, going along ‘Von nichts kommt nichts’ (no pun intended, lol). And they both come to the conclusion, though at different places in the story, that the physical connection is nowhere close to enough.

So what is it, that they trully desire? What does Naoe want from Takaya, and Takaya from Naoe?

During sleepless nights of ongoing debates with friends, I was given various answers:

A comunication with higher principle
The ultimate connection
A spiritual caress
Ideal way of existence

Of course, they are all true. But it becomes icreasingly difficult for me to assign these concepts some sort of personal experience. I think I might be reaching my limits in understanding here. Firstly, too little of the story after 20 is fully translated to make some solid picture out of it. Secondly, I base my notion of the philosophical and religious background of MoBverse on my own knowledge and practice of Tibetan Buddhism, which can be of course misleading. Yet I am still convinced, that there is a common denominator for my favourite kanshoushas’ and my own aspirations and that it is very worth searching for  ^_^